I started a meditation practice about a year and a half ago. I am slightly less regular some days of the week, but I meditate every Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday with great regularity.
Everyone who has tried to start a meditation practice, including myself, is probably calling me names (show-off, braggart!). Because, if you have attempted to meditate daily you know it’s hard to pull off. How did I become so rock-steady?
It was the magic of Zoom of all things. Yes, that Zoom that we all hate. A local Zen establishment started Zoom meditation sessions on, you guessed it, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday at just the right time in the morning for me to join them.
They don’t call me out by name when I show up or contact me when I am not there (“We missed you today, Katie”), and I am pretty grateful for that. The zoom group provides just enough destination and companionship to keep me coming back. It appears, since I am doing it, that I like meditating in a group.
Who knew that would work for me? I didn’t. It works so well I rarely feel that horrible “I should do this, but I don’t want to” feeling before meditating – especially on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Showing up is three-quarters of the battle with meditation. You have to do it to get its benefits.
It has worked so well that I don’t even think of my practice as ‘my’ practice. It feels like a bit of Grace got mixed up with the Zen. Would that be Zen Grace or Graceful Zen? I am grateful for the gift however it is named. I stay humble because if Bright Way Zen stopped doing online meditation, I am not sure that I would have such a faithful practice even now. “I” didn’t do it.
It’s funny how if I don’t struggle – if I haven’t had to grit my teeth to get it done – I don’t feel I did do it, and I certainly can’t claim it.
For those of you still hating on me, there is still some struggle in my meditation. The showing up part is taken care of for now – but the actual meditating is something I have to do.
Meditation isn’t easy. At times you sit there and fume. Your mind gets caught up in some idiocy or human sorrow that happened the day before. It should have left as you slept. However, it rages up in the quiet of meditation like some poorly-put-out campfire left overnight.
Sometimes you get bored. You can get bored and frantic – where your whole body is asking you to find the next thought quickly because you don’t have anything to do. What are you going to do just sitting there? Or, you can get bored and sleepy, so that when you check your Fitbit later, it tells you – you were asleep – when you were meditating! And unfortunately, you can’t even call your Fitbit a liar.
There is an instruction about not trying that creates a strange little dance in my head. You are not supposed to try to meditate well, which is like how you should be cool in middle school; never let them see you sweat! Only, in your head during meditation, it becomes ‘never let yourself see yourself sweat.’ It results in slow-motion interior dialogs such as:
‘Oh, I am thinking,’
‘well, that is ok,’
‘hmm, can I get rid of this thought without trying,’
‘seems like I am trying. Stop trying so hard.’
‘Well, at least I got rid of the thought.’
‘Now, how do I get rid of the not trying thought.’
As part of my continuing evolution as a meditator, I have started doing different styles of meditation on the days that I do not meditate with Bright Way Zen. I follow a Zen practice on Zoom meditation days and face the wall. I listen for the bells telling me when to start and end. At the end of our session, I chant the Heart of Great Perfect Wisdom Sutra along with the leader (muted, of course).
On other days I meditate for a shorter period of time. I go downstairs and look out the window at my backyard instead of facing the wall. I see birds and plants and check out the weather. As the seasons change, I notice the sun returning from its winter retreat. I don’t worry very much about whether I am thinking or not. I watch the movement of the wild backyard creatures – there are more of them than you would think in my small suburban backyard.
This morning, I looked out the window and thought about my Buddha Nature. We all have a Buddha Nature capable of enlightenment. I could see an Oregon Junco picking at the ground, looking for insects. A squirrel leaped from the maple to the fenceline arborvitae and disappeared from sight. It wasn’t just my Buddha Nature, was it? It was everything out there and also me too. The thought was tinged with more than thought – a feeling, a wholeness, a movement beyond myself. I felt happy.
“‘Oh, I am thinking,’
‘well, that is ok,’
‘hmm, can I get rid of this thought without trying,’
‘seems like I am trying. Stop trying so hard.’
‘Well, at least I got rid of the thought.’
‘Now, how do I get rid of the not trying thought.’ “
😂😂😂😫
It feels like a bit of Grace got mixed up with the Zen. Would that be Zen Grace or Graceful Zen?
Love that. I, too, find the zoom meetings have improved my consistency in meditation. I love the idea/practice of nature observation meditation. Reminds me of Mary Oliver‘a wonderful nature poetry (my Sunday morning devotional reading 😊). Maybe this morning, after group Zazen and dharma talk, a long kinhin in the woods is just the thing.